Every sponsor couple runs into this sooner or later: an engaged couple who’s quiet, reticent, or seems to be just going through the motions. The good news is that experienced sponsor couples have real, tested techniques for this — not tricks, but a way of building trust session by session.

Start by earning trust, not by diving into questions

Before asking anything from For Better & For Ever, spend the first part of a session warming up: ask how they met, how they got engaged, how wedding planning is going. Share your own stories on these same topics. This isn’t small talk for its own sake — it breaks the ice, and it signals something important to the couple: you’re here to listen to them, not to lecture them.

Invite sharing gently — and always affirm it

When you do turn to the homework, ask gently what they learned from it, not what they got “right.” Whatever they’re willing to share, affirm its value. It can help to offer a short story of your own — something that shows your own effort to grow through a similar situation — but keep this brief. The point isn’t to model an answer; it’s to open a door.

With quieter couples especially, patience matters. They’re learning a new skill — sharing themselves openly with another person — and that takes time to feel safe.

Let them lead you to what matters, don’t work down a checklist

Resist the urge to go through every question in order. Instead, ask open questions that let the couple tell you where the real topics are:

• “What really jumped out at you guys in answering these questions?”
• “Did you find your answers similar or different from each other?”
• “What did you find most interesting, challenging, or difficult to get into?”

If their answers turn out similar, compliment them — that’s often a sign they already communicate well — then offer an example of how your own answers were different, which gives them permission to admit they’re still discovering things about each other too.

If a couple doesn’t volunteer anything, you can prime the conversation by sharing something you talked about yourselves, then asking how they found that same topic. And often, simply observing the couple can tell you which topics are likely to be productive, even before they say a word.

Watch the balance between partners

When one partner is quiet and the other dominates, make a point of turning to the quieter one directly — even if that means gently interrupting to ask, “What do you think about that?” Left unaddressed, this imbalance can persist through the whole process.

Remember: your job is to listen, not to talk

A good rule of thumb: aim for about 25% talking and 75% listening. Interestingly, some couples find it easier to talk about difficult things in front of their sponsor couple — because they feel heard and reinforced — than they do alone with each other. That’s a good sign, not a problem; the goal is simply for them to eventually be able to do this on their own, without you there.

What to expect

Most couples open up by the third session, once they’ve realized you’re not there to test them or put them on the spot — you’re there because you genuinely want to hear their story, so that they hear each other too. Getting there takes moving, gradually, from strangers, to sponsors, to friends.